So, a lot has transpired in a year's time. During the course of beginning my blog in January 2012 and my birthday in March, I gained another five pounds. But in January 2012, I quit my job which included 70+ hours per week plus a three hour daily commute, and I took a few weeks off. March 1st I began a new job less than ten minutes from home and I started Weight Watchers less than two weeks later. I was so discouraged that first day to see the 263.2 on my weigh in card. But I'd seen worse - I weighed in at 275 back in 2001 and hated myself. I was going to try and see how I could do on WW - it had helped me get down to 141 before and my job actually would reimburse some of the fees.
As of this morning, I have lost 65 pounds so far and have 75 more to my goal weight. I feel better than I have in five years and I can fit into clothes that don't have a letter behind the number (W or X). I can almost wear my wedding rings again and ultimately that is on the top of my list of goals that keep me motivated. It is a daily struggle for me and I now ask my five year old to remind me why I need to get my butt off the couch and drive to the gym each night... "because you'll feel better mommy." And don't you know he's always right. But it's that first fifteen minutes when I walk into the fitness center and stare down the helliptical machine (because sometimes I think it is from hell) that my negative self-talk begins and that little voice gets louder and louder telling me that I can't do it.
But push through I must because I remember sitting in my office hiding behind another cheese danish hoping that it would give me the energy and strength to survive another day and wishing I could disappear when I see people visibly shrink away from me in the elevator when I would step on and hope that the alarm wouldn't sound because I was too heavy. These are my battle scars. I had to let go of the cheese danish diet and embrace something new. As Robert Frost once said, "and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep..."
Monday, January 21, 2013
Monday, January 2, 2012
Gym Days
I made it to the gym again this evening which reminds me of another thing I hate about being morbidly obese: the elliptical machine. I lasted twelve minutes on the elliptical machine tonight before I thought I would die or fall out in the floor.
As I was thinking of ways to kill my mortal enemy that I was working out on, I was reminded of a time just a few years ago, that the elliptical machine was my dearest friend. It could reshape any stressful day and I could work through any issue while burning hundreds of calories. And now, I can barely move on the machine.
It's very frustrating to remember times when I could work out a full hour at a time on an elliptical and not even think twice and now I have to restart at such a low amount and pray that I can make it. But I just keep thinking, I have to start somewhere. So here's my somewhere...
12 minutes on the elliptical machine and 33 minutes on the treadmill. Tomorrow is a new day with new possibilities...
As I was thinking of ways to kill my mortal enemy that I was working out on, I was reminded of a time just a few years ago, that the elliptical machine was my dearest friend. It could reshape any stressful day and I could work through any issue while burning hundreds of calories. And now, I can barely move on the machine.
It's very frustrating to remember times when I could work out a full hour at a time on an elliptical and not even think twice and now I have to restart at such a low amount and pray that I can make it. But I just keep thinking, I have to start somewhere. So here's my somewhere...
12 minutes on the elliptical machine and 33 minutes on the treadmill. Tomorrow is a new day with new possibilities...
Sunday, January 1, 2012
New Year, New Choices
So here I am on January 1, 2012. My mood is lifting and I seem to have new choices that I never thought of before. I'm looking at things with clarity and trying not to beat myself up for mistakes. Stepping on the scale this morning I weighed in at 259.6 pounds. I'm almost back up to my all-time highest weight of 272 pounds and I know that 300 pounds is right around the corner.
A coupon mailer I received earlier this week helped me decide to go back to Weight Watchers and get back on track. In my accounting mind, I figure that even if I lose on the low end of 10 pounds a month, I'll have lost 120 pounds by December 31, 2012 and only be 25 pounds away from my all-time goal of 115. I know it will be hard and some days I will just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other to keep going to my goal. Or as Dori says in "Finding Nemo," "just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."
So, on day 1 of 2012, one thing I hate about morbid obesity is rightfully earning the moniker of "morbidly obese." That description has limited me in so many ways and I am the only one responsible for limiting myself in this way. I feel as if I am guilty of committing suicide only it is taking many years to die, but I am killing myself by my own hand-by reaching for more food to stuff in my face every day. I have used food as my only coping mechanism for years and it has taken it's toll. Now, I am ready to change that. A friend once reminded me that faced with stressful situations, I must remember to "stop, breathe, listen, and then respond/react." That has helped immeasurably.
So today as I make sure to eat my fruits and veggies and head to the gym, I focus on the fact that I am one day closer to my goal - being healthy and happy with myself.
A coupon mailer I received earlier this week helped me decide to go back to Weight Watchers and get back on track. In my accounting mind, I figure that even if I lose on the low end of 10 pounds a month, I'll have lost 120 pounds by December 31, 2012 and only be 25 pounds away from my all-time goal of 115. I know it will be hard and some days I will just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other to keep going to my goal. Or as Dori says in "Finding Nemo," "just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."
So, on day 1 of 2012, one thing I hate about morbid obesity is rightfully earning the moniker of "morbidly obese." That description has limited me in so many ways and I am the only one responsible for limiting myself in this way. I feel as if I am guilty of committing suicide only it is taking many years to die, but I am killing myself by my own hand-by reaching for more food to stuff in my face every day. I have used food as my only coping mechanism for years and it has taken it's toll. Now, I am ready to change that. A friend once reminded me that faced with stressful situations, I must remember to "stop, breathe, listen, and then respond/react." That has helped immeasurably.
So today as I make sure to eat my fruits and veggies and head to the gym, I focus on the fact that I am one day closer to my goal - being healthy and happy with myself.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Facing Reality
December 23, 2011...
In one of my favorite movies, Shawshank Redemption, Morgan Freeman's character, Red, says, "Get busy living or get busy dying." Today while watching Susanne Eman's story on Dr. Oz's show, it struck me what she is doing to herself. She has a BMI of 128 and her triglyceride count is over 500. At 32, she is literally dying to be the fattest woman in the world. And while watching the show today, she seems to have no remorse and no second thoughts about gaining even more weight to add to her current total of 720 pounds.
I think of my own situation. I am in my late thirties with one child and I am putting myself on a fast track to an early death. I weighed in at 261 pounds today and at 5'3", the weight is taking its toll. My BMI is over 46 and it should be under 25. The doctors have given me the moniker of morbidly obese and that is not a name I want to live up to. My cholesterol and triglyceride counts are well above normal and I'm on the fast track for Type II diabetes. One difference between Susanne and myself, though, is I do not want to be this big anymore. I do not want to feel like dying everyday and having my body cry out in pain everyday when I try to do simple things like take a ten minute shower, walk to the mailbox, or wash dishes at the sink.
I think it's ironic that I began overeating four years ago to push down the bad feelings, cope with my stress, and to become invisible. Now because of my weight gain, I'm the elephant in the room that cannot hide or find solace in anything. Ten years ago, I had gained over 120 pounds in a short period of time, but I became determined to lose the weight and I did. In three years time, I lost 134 pounds total and felt better physically. But I still had the underlying issues that I still contend with. I am now dealing with those issues and I am ready to lose the weight. But how do I start again? When looking at the goal, I have over 145 pounds I want to lose. That's more than an average person. I want to document each step (no pun intended) of this journey and document at least 258 things I hate about being this big which will hopefully keep me on track to my goal.
In one of my favorite movies, Shawshank Redemption, Morgan Freeman's character, Red, says, "Get busy living or get busy dying." Today while watching Susanne Eman's story on Dr. Oz's show, it struck me what she is doing to herself. She has a BMI of 128 and her triglyceride count is over 500. At 32, she is literally dying to be the fattest woman in the world. And while watching the show today, she seems to have no remorse and no second thoughts about gaining even more weight to add to her current total of 720 pounds.
I think of my own situation. I am in my late thirties with one child and I am putting myself on a fast track to an early death. I weighed in at 261 pounds today and at 5'3", the weight is taking its toll. My BMI is over 46 and it should be under 25. The doctors have given me the moniker of morbidly obese and that is not a name I want to live up to. My cholesterol and triglyceride counts are well above normal and I'm on the fast track for Type II diabetes. One difference between Susanne and myself, though, is I do not want to be this big anymore. I do not want to feel like dying everyday and having my body cry out in pain everyday when I try to do simple things like take a ten minute shower, walk to the mailbox, or wash dishes at the sink.
I think it's ironic that I began overeating four years ago to push down the bad feelings, cope with my stress, and to become invisible. Now because of my weight gain, I'm the elephant in the room that cannot hide or find solace in anything. Ten years ago, I had gained over 120 pounds in a short period of time, but I became determined to lose the weight and I did. In three years time, I lost 134 pounds total and felt better physically. But I still had the underlying issues that I still contend with. I am now dealing with those issues and I am ready to lose the weight. But how do I start again? When looking at the goal, I have over 145 pounds I want to lose. That's more than an average person. I want to document each step (no pun intended) of this journey and document at least 258 things I hate about being this big which will hopefully keep me on track to my goal.
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