So, a lot has transpired in a year's time. During the course of beginning my blog in January 2012 and my birthday in March, I gained another five pounds. But in January 2012, I quit my job which included 70+ hours per week plus a three hour daily commute, and I took a few weeks off. March 1st I began a new job less than ten minutes from home and I started Weight Watchers less than two weeks later. I was so discouraged that first day to see the 263.2 on my weigh in card. But I'd seen worse - I weighed in at 275 back in 2001 and hated myself. I was going to try and see how I could do on WW - it had helped me get down to 141 before and my job actually would reimburse some of the fees.
As of this morning, I have lost 65 pounds so far and have 75 more to my goal weight. I feel better than I have in five years and I can fit into clothes that don't have a letter behind the number (W or X). I can almost wear my wedding rings again and ultimately that is on the top of my list of goals that keep me motivated. It is a daily struggle for me and I now ask my five year old to remind me why I need to get my butt off the couch and drive to the gym each night... "because you'll feel better mommy." And don't you know he's always right. But it's that first fifteen minutes when I walk into the fitness center and stare down the helliptical machine (because sometimes I think it is from hell) that my negative self-talk begins and that little voice gets louder and louder telling me that I can't do it.
But push through I must because I remember sitting in my office hiding behind another cheese danish hoping that it would give me the energy and strength to survive another day and wishing I could disappear when I see people visibly shrink away from me in the elevator when I would step on and hope that the alarm wouldn't sound because I was too heavy. These are my battle scars. I had to let go of the cheese danish diet and embrace something new. As Robert Frost once said, "and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep..."
