December 23, 2011...
In one of my favorite movies, Shawshank Redemption, Morgan Freeman's character, Red, says, "Get busy living or get busy dying." Today while watching Susanne Eman's story on Dr. Oz's show, it struck me what she is doing to herself. She has a BMI of 128 and her triglyceride count is over 500. At 32, she is literally dying to be the fattest woman in the world. And while watching the show today, she seems to have no remorse and no second thoughts about gaining even more weight to add to her current total of 720 pounds.
I think of my own situation. I am in my late thirties with one child and I am putting myself on a fast track to an early death. I weighed in at 261 pounds today and at 5'3", the weight is taking its toll. My BMI is over 46 and it should be under 25. The doctors have given me the moniker of morbidly obese and that is not a name I want to live up to. My cholesterol and triglyceride counts are well above normal and I'm on the fast track for Type II diabetes. One difference between Susanne and myself, though, is I do not want to be this big anymore. I do not want to feel like dying everyday and having my body cry out in pain everyday when I try to do simple things like take a ten minute shower, walk to the mailbox, or wash dishes at the sink.
I think it's ironic that I began overeating four years ago to push down the bad feelings, cope with my stress, and to become invisible. Now because of my weight gain, I'm the elephant in the room that cannot hide or find solace in anything. Ten years ago, I had gained over 120 pounds in a short period of time, but I became determined to lose the weight and I did. In three years time, I lost 134 pounds total and felt better physically. But I still had the underlying issues that I still contend with. I am now dealing with those issues and I am ready to lose the weight. But how do I start again? When looking at the goal, I have over 145 pounds I want to lose. That's more than an average person. I want to document each step (no pun intended) of this journey and document at least 258 things I hate about being this big which will hopefully keep me on track to my goal.
